Beware of Cookies
by Baka of the Funk
Summary: Hikaru and Kaoru mess with Tamaki's mind. Oneshot Rated for swearing.


**This was inspired by a boredom filled lunch break with my friends, long long ago. We decided that while the dark side had Naruto & Co, the light side had Ouran and Fruits Basket. I was on light! Semi direct quote(In other words I can't remember the exact wording): "They may have cookies but we have cake, Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai who can kick your asses". I don't even own a bag of cookies, let alone Ouran. How depressing.**

* * *

"Come to the dark side... we have cookies?" Hikaru reads from Kyouya's laptop. Technically, he isn't supposed to use his laptop, but Hikaru is more bored than usual and it's not like his senpai is loooking. "Ne, Kaoru, look at this." he calls, gesturing for his brother to come over. Puzzled, he obliges.

"Come to the... Hikaru, what is this? It makes no sense."

"I think it's a commoner saying. Want to see what Tono makes of it?" Hikaru says, grinning evilly. Kaoru's mouth, after a moment, matches his twin's.

Standing up, they stroll over to Haruhi, who is reading, oblivious to the world. They try to lift her up, but she whacks them over their heads with her heavy book. On second thoughts, maybe it's better to sit on the arms of the chair.

"Hey, Tono." both twins shout simultaneously. "Come to the dark side, we have cookies."

Haruhi, who after attacking her friends went back to reading, looks up from her book. This could turn interesting. Tamaki stopped talking to Kyouya and faced Hikaru and Kaoru, head tilted to one side, unsure what to think of the phrase.

"Why would I want to join the dark side? If I want cookies, I just need to ask the cook. Besides, the good guys always win." He accompanies the last sentence with a victory sign and sparkles. Lots of sparkles. By this time, Hunny and Mori have worked out the twin's plan to confuse Tamaki, and Honey decides to join in.

"Even if the dark side has cookies the light side has cake! Ne, Takashi?" The cake loving host smiles, looking to his cousin.

"Ah." Mori nods slowly while replying. Looking at each other, the twins realise that the simple comment can be turned into a fun game.

"Well, the dark side also has Haruhi." Kaoru shrugs. Haruhi makes a face to him as if to say 'leave me out of it' to recieve one that translates to 'just play along' from both boys. Sighing, she puts her book back into her bag, realising she won't have a chance to even finish the chapter. Meanwhile, Tamaki is reacting badly to Kaoru's comment.

"Say it isn't true! Haruhiii, my daughter, I must rescue you from these unscrupulous twins. Come to daddy!" He outstretches his arms and pulls her into an all-encompassing hug.

"Senpai, get off me. NOW." Haruhi yells, struggling to escape his grasp. Kyouya watches the scene with amusement. This was what he expected to happen after allowing Hikaru to carry on using his laptop. Well, they all needed fun. Besides, it would distract Tamaki long enough to manipulate the cosplay ideas for the following month.

"Kyouya, are you on the light or dark side?" Tamaki turns to his friend after Haruhi scares him off with a death glare. Man, those looks are scary. A small smile plays on Kyouya's lips.

"I like to keep my options open. After watching for a while, I will then choose the winning side, of course." This was the answer the other hosts, excluding Tamaki, who had seriously wanted to know his friend's side, had expected. Secretly, they thought the dark side fit him best, for obvious reasons.

"Fufufufufufufu. Did somebody say dark... side?" The door had changed to a style more fitting for a haunted mansion.

"Nekozawa-senpai... Makes sense." they murmored. It was obvious that the cloaked third year would choose dark over light. However, the twins, his main tormentors were on the same 'side' and was afraid to venture futher into the room.

"Light side has ootoro." The sentence, to the surprise of the occupants of the room, was said by none other than Mori. Haruhi, who still hadn't had a chance to taste the fish was tempted by the simple statement but the twins had counter-acted the phrase with:

"Dark side has your English homework." the chiming voices made Haruhi freeze in the uncomfortable position of half in and half out of a chair. Sinking back down, she rationalised with herself that the English Sensei was much stricter than any other of her teachers, and if she couldn't do the homework, he'd give a punishment worse than detention.

"Light side has... Light side has... Oh, I know, light side has Light Yagami from Death Note!" Tamaki had no idea what his brainstorming's product had created until-

"OHOHOHOHO!"

"Damn Otaku." The Hitachiin twins swore particularly loudly at her appearance, though they were not the only ones who did so.

"OHOHOHOHOHO! OHO! The machinery came to a standstill and Renge shut up. Not for long though. The boys were ready for a character rant, stuffing fingers into ears to be spared the useless knowledge.

"Light's name may lead you to believe that he is the 'good guy' type, but in the eyes of the world, he is portrayed as pure evil. On the other hand, a man with 'no name' is seen as righteous. And as far as looks are con-"

"SHUT UP OTAKU!" Expecting the perpetrators to be the twins, Renge grows more shocked to find that the one who had yelled was in fact... Haruhi?

"Oh my, an L fanboy. At least you know the basics, Haruhi-kun. And as for the 'war', I choose the light side. I never really liked Palm Tree-Head anyway..." Everyone wonders whether she is taking drugs as she spins into the ground.

"Eh, Haruhi. You never told us..."

"...You were an L fangirl." Haruhi blushed. She liked it, and admired L-san, for the detective themes. Also, he reminded her of a compromise of her two favourite seniors, the attentiveness of Mori combined with Honey's sweet loving nature.

"Never mind that. Dark side has... Nekozawa-senpai's ability to curse people." She joins in to distract them all.

"Light side has KYOUYA'S NOTEBOOK!" Tamaki screeched, yanking the black book from his friend's hand while his guard was down. Kyouya turns around and glares a glare powerful enough to disintegrate marble. Trembling, Tamaki hands back the book, which is snatched out of his hands.

"This means war." Three words, uttered with such venom, that everybody was cowering in fear, cursing the dumb Tamaki. When Kyouya said war, nobody doubted him. In fact, they were anticipating a nuclear missile any second. On the plus side, the dark side had Kyouya at last.

* * *

"Okaa-san, let's reconcile... for the sake of the children." 'Outou-san' whimpered from under a table. It was the only peice of furniture left upright, the other inhabitants sheltering, smeared with cake, behind an overturned sofa. Hunny was crying in Mori's arms, his cake having been used for weapons. The walls were splattered with the dessert and if it wasn't for Mori, Hunny would have licked the walls clean. The 'children' had teamed up to escape Kyouya's rage, which was mostly aimed at Tamaki, but the twins decided to join in the 'commoner food fight' to learn that it's better to stay away from Kyouya altogether. And not to piss him off.

"Holy shit Kaoru, I thought we were going to die."

"Me too. Hey, guys, do you think we can sneak out while he isn't looking?"

"Are you stupid or what?" Mori intervened, rocking back and forth at the memory of him trying to protect them the first time they tried to escape. Each twin raised an eyebrow, but remebered what it had been like to be pelted with cake and barricaded into the room by a madman. They all shuddered, especially as that madman was Kyouya.

"Where's Nekozawa-senpai when you need him?" Haruhi sighed. Tamaki had joined them now, longing for human company that wasn't Kyoya.

"Okaa-san's gone mad, children." They all rolled their eyes at him. Like they needed him to tell them.

"So how are we going to get out of here alive, Tono?"

"We could distract him... then jump out of the... window?" shaking his head, another idea reaches TamakiBrain Headquaters. "Or we could-"

"You could just apologise senpai?" Haruhi offered. She was really fed up of this now. She had English homework to do for crying out loud.

"Errr... Maybe... Ok, for my darling daughter's sake... I'll do it." As expected of him, Tamaki struck a pose, they cheered his bravery silently then he popped his head up above the sofa and stood up fully, trying not to flinch as Kyoya deathglared him.

"Kyoya... I'm truly sorry for... what I did-" Haruhi punches him in the leg. "I'm sorry for... Stealing your notebook. I promise I won't do it again."

Tamaki holds his breath, waiting for a pelting of cake, to find a small smile twitch at the corner of Kyoya's mouth. He stands and opens the door. The Host Club scramble across the room, eager to go home and wash away the cake. As Hikaru and Kaoru reach the door however, Kyoya stops them.

"I expect it to be clean by Monday." He says as he himself leaves, leaving the Hitachiins to dutifully tidy, scrub and set right furniture.

"Hikaru? I don't think we should tease Tono any more, or at least not as much as we did."

"What I'm scared about is teasing Kyoya-senpai."

* * *

**Well that was wierd and possibly mildly disturbing. Not even _I_ saw that ending coming. If you don't get the 'Palm Tree Head' part, just regard it as Renge on drugs. But I was referring to Envy (FMA). Which I don't own. Same goes for Death Note.**


End file.
